before leaving, i wanted to write goodbye notes to my friends in beijing, but couldn’t find the words. i partly blame the limited ways we know to say goodbye.
how to say goodbye? to a place, to people, to a version of yourself?
we don’t have the right words.
even cab drivers will say upon dropping me off at the airport, “慢走。再见。“ — go slow, see you again.
in english, we have “goodbye.” now that it’s been divorced, somewhat, from its original “god be with you,” it feels more final—less of a “see ya in heaven” type of deal. and, more and more often, people in chinese say 拜拜 (bai-bai) at the ends of phone calls or lunches or visits—perhaps importing a rootless word of farewell also seems more appropriate.
But still, at those big, final goodbyes, the urge to reassure ourselves resurfaces in full force. “until next time,” we say. “see you again.”
i wish we had better words, more honest words. words that would capture things like: it will never be the same, and now that it is ending i know what it was. things like: thank you for all you have given me.
my toiletries are all still almost full.
some people’s minds move before they do. i guess i’m not like that.
and what will happen to these memories in the over bright, over clean California sun?
—
now that i’m back in the bay, the sun is so bright and the days so warm and the language so english that the past year and a half already feels like someone else’s life. maybe after some more time (and some more sleep), i will find the words to talk about it all. and maybe not. either way, in the meantime, here are some pictures i took on my last day there.
—
the view from my room
the lake frozen over
the fish still there
the lamps newly lit
my roommate napping on my bed as i packed into the night
hog maw 